For three nights it won't let me go. Even during the day it will pop up at random and cause me to double over. I have been haunted...

by the pain and agony. the screaming of the poor darling one.

being cooked in a microwave oven

Ladybug woke at 5:30am. I had just fallen asleep at 4a.

In my head I said, "oh God, just give me one more hour of sleep."

and then the panic hit me. God was saying, "Fine, you ungrateful bitch. You want to sleep? fine. You got it. I'll just take that small nagging inconvenience away from you. See, I knew you didn't deserve her. She should have gone to someone who wouldn't mind the sacrifices that are necessary to take care of one of my most precious gifts." etc. etc. etc.

So, up I hopped. Ran to her crib. snatched her up before He could. See, I love her. I'm up. I love her. I love her. I love her. I am so sorry. I didn't mean that. I didn't mean it. of course, I'll get up with you, Darling. of course. You are my darling. I love you beyond words. I don't deserve you. but I love you. I do. I didn't mean that. Bad Mommy. Bad Bad Mommy. You are my darling. I love you. oh, how I love you. my darling darling one. I am so so sorry. I will show you. I will show you how much I love her and that she belongs here with me. Please, I am so so sorry. oh please, she belongs with me. here. she's my darling. and I love her. I will make it up to her. I so sorry. Please....

please...