What was that noise? Was it a noise? Ugh! you're just making stuff up in your head, now. I can't hear over the fan. I have to turn the fan off so I can hear downstairs. Better.

God, I need you to help me. I can't let go of this fear. I'm laying here completely drenched in sweat with irrational fears. I know this doesn't make sense! I know this isn't go to help or prevent anything! I know this is just making my life worse. and I try. I try to let it go and just trust in you. But, I don't trust you. Please help me to trust you. please. I don't want to live in this fear anymore.

******

If we are going to be murdered in our beds, please just make it quick for the little ones. No fear. No pain. No torture. No rape. No witness. Just fast and done so I can hold them on the other side. Please just let them go quickly. Focus on me, if you need to cause pain. Just let them go. And let them go first so they don't have to be afraid of what is happening to mama. Don't let them see me go into the rug. If I can just stay awake until morning, then we'll be ok.

*panic* I shouldn't have taken that Ambien! Dammit! I can't fall asleep. I need to stay awake so I can hear when they come in. Please God, I know that you promise to keep us safe. I know that we are commanded to take heart and not to worry. lilies of the field and all that. But, I can't trust you with these darling ones.

What kind of a parent are you, anyway?! Free will?! What is that shit?! If I'm with my children and one of them goes to hurt another, I step in and stop them. I don't just let them act on free will! Would it be ok if I did that?! Just let them hurt each other because it was their choice?! Would that absolve me of any wrongdoing if I just standby and watch it happen, just because it was their free will?! I'm sorry but that is just too damn convenient. I'm not buying it! And if that's the way you parent, if that is the way you care for your little ones, then how can you wonder that I would fight you for protection of my own little ones?!

Dammit. I need. to. relax. I can't do this every night. This is ridiculous. Nothing is going to happen. But, maybe this is my intuition. Maybe, I'm feeling this way because I can sense that something is coming. something dark. I can feel the evil approaching.

or maybe the evil is eating me alive.

I don't have enough arms...
One way that I spend hours and hours laying in bed at night, is trying to figure out how to get all of the children out of the house in various emergency scenarios.

I'm starting to panic right now just thinking about it. Fire? we would probably do ok b/c we have two exits from the second floor. But what about intruders. ax murderers. people bent on killing my entire family. staying calm but still conveying to the little ones they have to get out while mommy throws herself on top of the gunmen coming up the stairs. what if they get scared and won't go? What about the baby?

The children get scared and I tell them Mommy is here. Daddy tells them that God is here keeping them safe. But, I can't say that. God doesn't keep children safe. everyday. all over the world. I can't trust God to keep them safe. It has to be Mommy is here. God isn't going to throw himself on the gunmen coming up the stairs. Only I can do that. God will just allow "freewill" and all that. Just sit back and watch it happen. completely detached.

They had to go one by one. I guess the oldest first. A new game to play, dear. Just stand on this chair in the closet and tie this scarf around your neck. It will be like a swing! Weeeeee! See how much fun she had?! Now you. Here's a pretty tie for you. It matches your dress. Don't be scared. It's great fun. Now jump! Ok little one. hop on up. It's your turn. oh what a big girl. Here's a nice satin sash for you to play with. Let's get it just right. What a big girl! Now weeeeeee! And last, the baby. a nice piece for you tiny, dear. It will all be over soon and we will be safe on the other side. I'll be able to hold you in paradise for ever. (hums a lullaby)

did each one get a gentle kiss before their jump? Was mother finally at peace?

please don't let them have been scared. please. just a new game. no fear. no screaming. no dragging or forcing those darling ones. forevermore into a closet. Always to be together. but the one. the one that didn't make it to the other side. left here all by herself with no sisters. no mother.

poor darling ones. at peace, now.