What was that noise? Was it a noise? Ugh! you're just making stuff up in your head, now. I can't hear over the fan. I have to turn the fan off so I can hear downstairs. Better.

God, I need you to help me. I can't let go of this fear. I'm laying here completely drenched in sweat with irrational fears. I know this doesn't make sense! I know this isn't go to help or prevent anything! I know this is just making my life worse. and I try. I try to let it go and just trust in you. But, I don't trust you. Please help me to trust you. please. I don't want to live in this fear anymore.

******

If we are going to be murdered in our beds, please just make it quick for the little ones. No fear. No pain. No torture. No rape. No witness. Just fast and done so I can hold them on the other side. Please just let them go quickly. Focus on me, if you need to cause pain. Just let them go. And let them go first so they don't have to be afraid of what is happening to mama. Don't let them see me go into the rug. If I can just stay awake until morning, then we'll be ok.

*panic* I shouldn't have taken that Ambien! Dammit! I can't fall asleep. I need to stay awake so I can hear when they come in. Please God, I know that you promise to keep us safe. I know that we are commanded to take heart and not to worry. lilies of the field and all that. But, I can't trust you with these darling ones.

What kind of a parent are you, anyway?! Free will?! What is that shit?! If I'm with my children and one of them goes to hurt another, I step in and stop them. I don't just let them act on free will! Would it be ok if I did that?! Just let them hurt each other because it was their choice?! Would that absolve me of any wrongdoing if I just standby and watch it happen, just because it was their free will?! I'm sorry but that is just too damn convenient. I'm not buying it! And if that's the way you parent, if that is the way you care for your little ones, then how can you wonder that I would fight you for protection of my own little ones?!

Dammit. I need. to. relax. I can't do this every night. This is ridiculous. Nothing is going to happen. But, maybe this is my intuition. Maybe, I'm feeling this way because I can sense that something is coming. something dark. I can feel the evil approaching.

or maybe the evil is eating me alive.